Hasta La Vista

I’ve got to be the suckiest girlfriend ever. 

One who is some rebellious freak of nature who clubs and drinks at the expense of her boyfriend’s feelings. One who would stretch the limit just so she wanna see how much it would take to make him say no, to make her feel secure again. One who does not think from his point of view and do what he silently hopes for. 

I can’t get over myself. 

We were going great until I’ve to fuck it all up all over again. 

I swear i’m trying but trying isn’t good enough. Trying is just… well. trying. 

I scared myself a bit there when I couldn’t function that day. Not from the hangover but all the words just seem to bounce off me. I couldn’t sustain a proper conversation, or swim 10laps, or eat properly. The thoughts in my head was just too loud and too much they were screaming and any moment I have to myself was excruciating. But even though I’m with people, the conversations couldn’t sustain enough without me breaking off into my distanced self.

Maybe I’m not alone in this but I’ve never felt something this intense before. Till the extent of not being able to function properly. 

Which is… a little. crazy. Just a little.

I need to stop placing us on the edge like that. I need to get better. 

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